Currently pain free after 47 straight hours. All fingers and toes crossed that this lasts for a little bit at the very least.

I rode the pony twice this week. He was a rock star each time. We opened the heavy gate to the round pen together, rode outside and in the big outdoor arena. Did lots of jogging figure eights and walked over poles. He’s started anticipating that we’re going to lope after we’ve done it one direction. Currently we just lope one direction and spend the rest of the session jogging and walking. Hoping to get out at least twice more before the weather turns cold again next week. I don’t handle the cold well, does my head in.

In other news my disability insurance is currently reviewing my case for continued support. In other words, they could decide I’m magically better and can go back to work and stop paying me. Fingers and toes crossed that they can see this shit still ain’t fixed. And that my doctor’s get the info that they need to them in a timely manner. My next headache specialist appointment isn’t until March. Until then I’m just supposed to continue taking my meds and tracking what my head does on Migraine Coach.

I never thought that I would be nearly thirty years old and essentially disabled. I had plans for my life, things I wanted to do that didn’t include spending most of my days curled up in bed hiding from the sun and the wind and the sounds of life. 

I used to live for being outside, in the dirt and the mud. Coming home covered in hay and horse hair were signs I’d had a good day and likely accomplished something. Now my good days are marked in levels of pain. Simply moving a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer or doing one load of dishes is considered an accomplishment, and an outward sign that the pain wasn’t too bad. 

Sometimes I get angry about it, then anger turns into determination that sends me into doing too much and a downward spiral of pain that lasts days at a time instead of mere hours.  People tell me they don’t know how I do it, they say they wouldn’t be able to, they ask me how I manage. The truth is, I don’t know. 

I want to be more than I am, to do more than I currently can, but every time I try for more or tell myself maybe I’m on the right track, I get shoved into a trajectory of more pain and nausea and aura that’s robbing me of the life I want to live. 

I’m currently on hour 48 of a migraine. With means I’m on hour 48 of being pissed off because this shit is getting old. I was supposed to go work Harley again today, and that’s not happening. I wanted to clean the kitchen, and that’s not happening. I can’t stand up for more then a few minutes at a time because I’m experiencing an insane amount of nausea and dizziness. And aura. Dear goddess the aura. I’m seeing red and blue splashes of color every time I blink.

As tempting as it is to start drinking vodka and juice at 2:45 in the afternoon just so I can get some relief from this shit, instead I’m being a good girl and drinking massive amounts of water. I feel like a fish. I would really like to eat something of substance but again, nausea. Can’t keep anything down.

Someone bring cheez its. And popcorn. And maybe some Vicodin?

One of my goals this year is to love myself more. Loving oneself, with all of ones faults and imperfections can lead to wonderful things, like confidence, bravery, and better health. Because if you love yourself, you want to do better, take care of yourself more. So here’s ten random things about me I like, love or just enjoy.

  1. My eyes change colors based on my mood or even what I’m wearing. Sometimes they’re blue, sometimes they’re green, sometimes they’re grey and sometimes they’re a mix of colors, or one is one thing and the other is something entirely different. They’re unique and beautiful all on their own.
  2. I’m content to sit in quiet and silence with just myself.
  3. I can listen to nearly any type of music and enjoy it.
  4. Hugs are my best medicine for anything.
  5. I enjoy writing, even if I’m not always sure what to write.
  6. I can read horses better then I can read most humans. Their body language isn’t near as complicated.
  7. Tea is life. Hot, cold, iced, sweet, not sweet. It goes with everything.
  8. I can make the best chocolate chip cookies.
  9. I can actually drive my six speed car and do it well. A couple of years ago I couldn’t even get it into gear.
  10. I can laugh at the stupidest things, and find joy in the smallest.

There’s this idea floating around out there that if someone has it worse off then you, you aren’t allowed to complain. You aren’t allowed to fight for better. Well that’s BS.

I live with chronic pain, but so far that pain isn’t life threatening. I’ve been told I should be thankful that I’m /only/ dealing with that and not cancer. Uh? No? Being in pain all the time sucks. That doesn’t mean I dwell on it (at least, I try not to, really I do). I’m allowed to be upset/sad/angry/whatthefuckever that I can’t live a completely normal life. (Normal being MY version of normal, not someone else’s).

A reoccurring theme around Facebook regarding the women’s marches is that because we can vote, hold down jobs, etc, etc, etc, while women in other countries can’t do those things, we have nothing to fight for.

All I have to say to that is; our country just elected what is probably the most racist, misogynist human being we possibly could. And he and his lovely republican controlled congress are already coming after women’s health care.

Oh and he just signed an order about going forward with the Dakota Access Pipe Line. A pipe line that was originally not supposed to be anywhere near the reservation, but instead closer to a city; but the people in said city said it was too dangerous for the pipe line to be so close to THEIR water. But it’s just fine for it to be so close to the Native American’s water? Come again?

The above is a symptom of a bigger problem with human kind. “If it doesn’t effect me it doesn’t matter”. We should care about our fellow humans, regardless of race, sexual orientation or gender identity. We shouldn’t judge people for their style choices, music choices or any how they were born. Judgement should come only when someone shows you they aren’t a good person. Judgement should come after words and deeds.

I’ll judge the shit out of you if you’re an asshole, if you treat pets badly, if you treat your fellow humans badly. Be nice, be kind, be welcoming. I promise it’s easier then being an ass.

I don’t get to ride enough. I’m generally dealing with the effects of having a migraine every single day; aura, nausea, pain. So driving twenty minutes to the barn, spending an hour or so there and driving twenty minutes back is typically outside of what I’m capable of handling on my own without wearing myself out to the point that I can’t safely get myself home. I’m pretty determined to push myself more as I find a sort of peace in myself while I’m at the barn. And one of my doctor’s goals for me is that I need to DO more.

Today I made it out and spent about an hour grooming and lunging Harley. He was SO good. For a horse that has previously been the type that absolutely has to be worked every day or he’ll blow up, I was super impressed with how calm and willing he was today. I lunged him with his saddle and headstall on, no reins. We jogged and loped both directions and he tried really hard to stretch down and round his back up, even without his draw reins on as a reminder. We finished the session by walking both directions to cool off. I hope to return tomorrow to do it again, maybe bump up the difficulty by adding draw reins.

 

I was unable to attend any of the marches held this past Saturday due to (you guessed it) a migraine, but I was certainly there in spirit and a friend wrote my initials on a sign she carried in Savannah, GA.

Millions of people participated in marches across the country with no reports of arrests, deaths or property damage. Seeing the hundreds of pictures flood in during and after made me proud; proud to be a women, proud to be an American.

But within mere hours of the marches ending, possibly even sooner then that, Facebook posts were popping up all over the place – from fellow women – not understanding why we marched. “We aren’t being denied any rights” they all say. What they don’t see, what they fail to understand, is that our new administration doesn’t care about us.

Us being women, people of color, people that identify as LGBTQ, people that don’t identify as straight white male. They care about themselves and their money. They care about what benefits their 1950′s vision of America.

Well their 1950′s vision of American isn’t mine. My vision of America is one that truly embraces women, people of color, and those that identify as any sexual orientation and gender identity. This country; it failed us. We failed ourselves. We allowed a racist, misogynist, bigot to be elected to the highest position of power in the land. And that man is appointing a team of neo-nazis, climate change deniers and conversion therapy proponents to help him lead this country.

And they’re trying to gaslight us. Inauguration crowd sizes truly don’t matter, but our President’s first press conference centered around his press secretary coming out and not only refusing to take questions, but bold face lying about the numbers that attended – something that is easily fact checked. Then Kelly Anne Conway came out and told us that the press secretary, did not, in fact, LIE, but instead presented “alternative facts”. Sweetheart; alternative facts are lies. Oh yeah, and they also threatened to bar the press from the west wing.

And as if to punish the women of the world for marching in direct opposition of everything Trump is and has said, today he signed an executive order prohibiting giving funding to international NGOs that offer or advise on reproductive health options if they include abortion; even if US dollars are not specifically used for abortion-related services (source: Huffington Post).

This is why we marched.